Just under the surface

I love that feeling, laying on my back, floating, in the ocean, in a lake, pond, river, pool, whatever, floating, looking up, everything goes quiet, muffled, still....

Lin and I drove to UC Davis Medical Institute today for an audiology appointment for Ocean.  He had failed to pass his first two hearing screenings, "It's probably just fluid in his inner ear, this is more common with C-section babies.  I'm not worried about it" the first hearing screener told us both times he failed.  We took that message to heart and headed to our appointment thinking the fluid had probably already cleared and he would pass with flying colors, preparing ourselves for a short appointment.  Several hours later the audiologist was explaining to us that he would be able to hear voices, he would be able to hear people talking, but everything would be muffled, he will have difficulty making out the content of speech.  

I love that feeling of dialing back the sound of the world, ears just under the surface, walking down the street with ear buds in,  pulling into the parking spot, turning the car off and just sitting in that signature heavy quiet.  I love that feeling when I choose it.  Ocean won't have the option to pull his head up out of the water.  

Lin stayed behind to schedule our follow up appoints and I walked out with Ocean to let him get his cries out outside, I teared up walking with him loaded into the car seat on my way across the parking lot.  I let myself feel the weight of everything we had just had explained to us.  And then I sat down on my ass in the grass, put him in front of me, and told him, loudly, that I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself, I wasn't going to feel sorry for him.  This was going to make us better people.  He is going to be fucking dope.  He's going to be the dopest kid in town.  His hearing aids will be accessories, part of his signature style.  A feature, not a flaw.  He will be enough, more the enough, perfect! just as he is.  
Plus, this overcomeable adversity will make him, me, Lin, Tux, all of us, more compassionate, open us up wider to the sorrow and the beauty in the world. 

P.S. Just like his moms and pops Ocean is going to love Laarne and Sierra and all his other aunties and uncle's with the loud voices and laughs, in a world of mumblers he'll love those who speak loud and clear whats on their heart and mind.