Ocean's Half Birthday

Ocean was born on Christmas day, and due to this magical, serendipitous timing, 

there's a strong potential that he is going to experience a love/hate relationship with this birthday. 

I know this is likely because my birthday is 4 days after Christmas and even though my family always put in effort to make my birthday fun and special, the rest of the world, closest friends included, has a hard time joining in on the celebrating.  

Because this is the case we are going to get into the rhythm of making a big deal out of his half birthday, right in the middle of summer.  

On his half birthday I want to be thoughtful about the ways that he has already changed my life: 

Ocean, 

Your existence in this world has pushed me to want to prioritize living with deeper presence, deeper love, deeper passion. 

Spending time holding you while you sleep, feeding you has (blessedly) forced me to get more comfortable with sitting still. 

Demanding attention and not being content with divided attention, has pushed me to confront the ways that I have internalized the Capitalist values of constant productivity and the shame I feel when I am not doing something that in some way serves another purpose besides being and being with you. 

As you grow I have become more thoughtful of all that I do want to pass on to you, and all that I do not. 

Your existence has made me more fully confront ways that I experience the commodification mentality; viewing other's as commodities.  

Your smile and laughter bring me such joy and contentedness. 

Your need for engagement, care, holding, ALL THE TIME even when your mom and I are exhausted has pushed me to dig deep and call on reserves I didn't know where there. 

Your needs for care at all hours have helped me confront the ways that I am willing to let your mom carry the burden of care alone at times when I am tired, the shame I experience from doing that when I know she is exhausted too. 

Your existence has strengthened your mother and my relationship even more! 

Your just being around ALL THE TIME has given us the chance to expand our experience of intimacy and helped us find ways to communicate love, care, intimacy, and affection through more channels than we previously tapped into.  

My desire to give you a magical and awe filled experience of the world has helped me experience more awe and wonder in all the same places I've been a thousand times before, our daily walks, our backyard, our garden, all of it! 

I know have different priorities when I exercise, I move my body in a way so as to ensure I've got plenty of range of motion, throughout your life, I want to be able to not only keep up with you but to teach you to use your bodies full capabilities in wild places through climbing, surfing, playing in the outdoors, and not be constantly hurting myself doing it! 

I could write on this topic all day, and there will be more to come, but it's time to get back to you and mommy.

I love you, Ocean.