Who's winning

I heard two grown men talking today about the feeling of being in competition with their fathers. 

Not in any formal, time-bound kind of way, but in the lifelong competition of proving yourself and feeling worthy by comparison. 

It got me thinking about ways that I have felt that feeling. 

At times in my life I have felt quite inadequate next to my mountain (Monte) of a father, 

the man who can fix anything, build anything, will go to great lengths to help anyone with an issue that he can help resolve.  

He was welding semi-trailers and making good money doing it by the age of 15.  

He has a mind for logistics, and mechanics, and is extremely practical while also appreciating beauty.  

He's a great teacher and a patient leader. 

He recently retired from being a school principal after several very taxing years, stewarding a school through a devastating disaster that displaced them from their campus for 2.5 years (the Paradise Camp Fire of 2018).  He helped the school navigate a responsible approach to Covid-19, the stress of which has ended the careers of many an educator and administrator.  He mediated the two warring communities that are constituents of the school, receiving a lot of toxicity and aggression that were not his to carry, but he did it all seemingly tirelessly and with very little complaint.  

For his retirement party I helped organize a video comprised of a number of alumni sharing how they have been impacted by my father. 

It was really meaningful for me to hear the stories of the positive difference my dad has made in a lot of people's lives.  

One tribute in particular was almost comically glowing, the individual made mention numerous times about how "Mr. Nystrom is a man's man. Nobody manlier.  He's the kind of man I want to be. Just SO manly!"  

And if I'm comparing myself to my dad in terms of classical views of masculinity and manliness, I'll always be losing that competition.   

It wasn't until a few years ago that I began to understand how my dad see's me. 

I've worried at times throughout my life that my dad might think I was incapable, I didn't have enough mechanical know-how (I feel like this might be a common sentiment for many millenials, however my notion has even more basis due to the depth of my dad's library of practical skills and know-how).  

I've wondered if he thinks my work ethic is lacking, weak. 

I've wondered if that I'm incompetent, if he's ashamed that more of his capability didn't rub off on me. 

It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I saw myself a little more through his eyes.  I had made a comment about how my capableness pails in comparison to his and how I wish I could have even a quarter of his practical knowledge. He told me that he envied and admired my capacities in the realms of the emotional and relational.  The capacities that make me me, that make me a good partner, brother, friend, and therapist. Hearing him say that offered a sense of relief, a freedom from comparison and a reflection I'm so grateful for.  

I have identified my intention in relationships and connection as the skills that I value most in myself, however they do not feel like "hard skills", like skills that you can be proud of while still having one foot still in the swamp of patriarchical norms (I'm trying to pry my foot out but it just keeps getting sucked back in). It offered me a deep affirmation to hear from my dad that he sees these gifts of mine and values them, is proud of me and looks at where I am in my life as being the progress that each generation hopes the next will make.