Kin

I recently self-diagnosed myself as experiencing vicarious trauma. 

It's a predictable hazard of my job, 

taking in the trauma and pain of all of clients on a daily basis. 

For the first couple of years as a clinician, I prided myself on doing a decent job of being a conduit through which that darkness could flow without holding onto it, but somewhere over the past couple of years, my system broke.  I'm not sure if it was the isolation, the slow-motion dread, the existential fog of it all, but the interruption to our previous normal that COVID introduced definitely played a big role.

In a recent in-service for the agency I work with, presenters shared with us the importance of collective care in this work, not just relying on our own efforts to stave off the malaise. 

This evening I realized that my body felt tense and restless, I hadn't moved today, I had gone straight from a busy day, though not remarkable for any particular work-related reason. Lin, Ocean, and I then went straight to a staff dinner for Lin's work.  Upon arriving home at Ocean's bedtime I realized I needed to honor my body's intuition and after bathing and lotioning Ocean and taking care of his little body I headed out to the backyard and rolled out a mat.  I stretched, I threw a toy for Tux who likes to interrupt Downward Dogs and Happy Baby poses by smashing my face with his toy and all his surprising weight.  

I then remembered that individual self-care is not the answer, we need collective care, but it wasn't a moment that I felt I could call someone and share the story of sexual abuse, trauma, and chaos, that I had received a few hours earlier from a teenager and had to make a CSD report about.  

I laid down with my ear to the ground and let it all pour out into the Earth trusting that She can siphon away all the pain I could ever receive without breaking a sweat, still love and hold me, and not think anything less of me.  

I am wanting to remember my connections with All Things as essential and important in my life.  Yes, go deeper into connection with my human kin, and also trust more fully in the support of trees, and water, and soil.