Not forever

I'm so tired. 

I'm the kind of tired where you're head hurts. 

I blame Ocean. 

We're not sure if he's going through a sleep regression or what but he slept terribly last night and therefore so did we. And really, I have it easy compared to Lin, I typically only get up once per night to change a diaper, there might be a request to wedge pillows under her arms so she can hold and nurse the boy around 3 am or so but it's light work compared to what she's doing. 

She does amazing at every piece of this motherhood gig. 

It makes me feel guilty for saying I'm tired, but I am. 

And I also know, it won't always be like this, and it hasn't always been like this. 

Nothing is forever, no matter what the diamond companies would have us believe. 

My tiredness is not forever. 

Anxiety isn't forever. Stress that I feel about this or that. 

Nothing is forever. 

There's beauty in that truth, and theirs also terror. 

I'm the youngest I will ever be. 

My body might be in the best form, 

Our earth might be the coolest it will be (atleast for the lifetimes of the next few human generations). 

The ocean might be the most plastic-free it will be for a looooong time. 

Capitalism might be at it's outer limits right now, this could be what it looks like before the collapse picks up momentum. 

Change is the only inevitable. 

And there's something beautiful about that, it's also terrifying. 

The pain, the pleasure, none of it lasts forever.  

I want to remember that, to not get lost in the pain, and not miss the pleasure for believing that I can be present with it later.